Imposter Syndrome
I work at a FinTech startup. I know, a millennial who works at a tech startup? It’s like florals for spring: groundbreaking.
I stumbled my way into tech around 4.5 years ago, and I’ve been in love with the space ever since. My first company was my absolute favorite, but I was unable to stay due to some life changes. I am still a staunch advocate for the company, and it took me a couple of tries before I found another place I enjoyed working at just as much, if not more.
I started at my current company a little over 6 months ago, and when I was hired I think I was like employee 105. So, super small, but it was the perfect fit. I was the third person on my team, and I was stoked to start this close to the beginning of things. I love the feeling of building something awesome, and I’ve always wanted to be able to say, “Remember when…”. Honestly, it’s been great, but it hasn’t been without its challenges.
Just a couple of weeks ago the economic uncertainty hit home, and we had some layoffs. I had been worried about it based on some larger companies that had started doing them a few weeks prior, but I kept my head down and tried not to think about it. Worrying was literally doing nothing but making my stomach hurt. Ultimately, the decision was made to operate with a leaner team to get us through whatever lies ahead.
Somehow, I avoided losing my job, and I headed out to our company retreat that had been planned for months. There were definitely a lot of emotions going into the week, and leadership dove right into those feelings and acknowledged the issues, while addressing the why. It made me feel better, and I left that session hopeful for the future.
Later that afternoon we did an Ask Me Anything session for our entire leadership team, and each person ended up giving us their background and how they got to where they are today.
One word: WOW.
I was basically sitting in front of a group of people who came from Google, billion-dollar VC firms, or were retried in their late 30s. I mean the level of talent leading my company blew my mind. It also intimidated the shit out of me.
The next few days moved in a similar fashion, and I realized I was working with multiple people from places like Facebook, Apple, Google, and basically any other top tech company I had ever heard of. I immediately felt like the smallest and least important person in the room. I literally had someone question why my role existed in the first place, to my face.
To say that imposter syndrome has plagued me from that moment on is putting it lightly. I have spent the last however many days feeling inadequate, unworthy, useless, and like I don’t belong. I teach people how to use software, and the guy sitting beside me added a feature to Google Maps I use weekly.
Like, who the hell am I?
This is where the post on everyone needing therapy comes into play, but for real. Imposter Syndrome has been an issue for me for a long time, but I’ve never felt it like this before. To realize I was spared from layoffs was already enough internal stress, but to realize I work at a company with that level of talent just compounded that feeling.
I’m trying to work through these thoughts by actually talking about them, writing about them (hence the post), and continuing to acknowledge them. I know that I’m good at my job. Actually, I’m really good at my job. I have a knack for making a client like me, Phyllis is excluded from this, and I’m a natural-born teacher. I’m working to remind myself that it’s okay to have a little bit of doubt, it keeps you humble, but don’t let that doubt kill the vibe. I am where I am because I am not just capable of doing the job, but I can do the job well.
I have so much to learn, but I always try to do the learning required. I read books that I think will make me stronger in my role, books that can help me level up in my career, and books that can help me be a better coworker and employee. I listen to those that are smarter than me, and the most mature thing I’ve recently done is actively work to not be the smartest person in the room. I love to learn, and there is always more to learn, but needing to learn doesn’t mean I’m inadequate or incapable of doing my job. I might argue it makes me better because I’m willing to reevaluate what I’m doing and make changes based on that.
I’m not naive enough to believe this single post will relieve me from feeling like the biggest imposter in the room, but I think it helps. I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for, and I am stoked that I was entrusted to be part of the next chapter for my company. I can’t wait to see what the future holds, but I hope I’m still around, but with a fat ass raise and a shiny title to go with it.
Doing the work is key, and it sounds like I could use a good therapy session, but hey, this is a start.
Have you ever suffered from imposter syndrome? Would love to hear about how to combat it, or if you feel like you’re still struggling in the comments.
Never forget, you are a badass.
Love,
Lilly
