I Don’t Know Who I Am

I have a handful of people in my life that I feel like just really get me. People that know what I mean when I feel like I'm not making sense. People that know how I feel before I can even figure out how to put my feelings into words. People that love me unconditionally because they know, at my core, I've got a big heart, I just sometimes let my mouth get in the way.

So, I've got these people that I can say get me and know me to my deepest, but is it fair to say that I don't know if I get myself?

For years, I wandered through life not being sure who I was. I defined myself based on the things I did, but not who I was.

I am a cheerleader.

I am the daughter of a single mother.

I am a good student.

I am a sorority woman.

I am a teacher.

I am a reader.

And on and on goes the list...

This is the list of things I thought told me who I was, but what I realized is those things were the surface. While each of those things gave me a starting point, getting myself was deeper than the surface adjectives like cheerleader, daughter, and reader.

I am a cheerleader, a girl who loves to perform and be part of the excitement.

I am the daughter of a single mother, a daughter who understands hustle, and who knows that being rich in love makes me wealthier than any millionaire out there.

I am a good student, I love to learn, and I know that if I don't get it right now, I can study and I can figure it out.

I am a sorority woman, I am able to lead a group of people and I am passionate about people, especially women, lifting each other up.

I am a teacher, I love to give back to those around me, share the joy of reading, and work to give back to the world in a way that most wouldn't understand. I love to see the "light bulb" moment is someone's eyes.

I am a reader, I know that the world is only as small as I let it be, and reading is the doorway to the world, and reading can save lives.

See what I mean? It starts with what I do, but who I am is embedded within those things.

If you're struggling to "get you" like I was not too long ago, start by making a list of who you think you are. If it comes out to be a list of things you do, think about how those things impact you on a deeper level.

There is nothing wrong with not really "getting" yourself. I spent probably 26 years of my life trying to figure it out. Most of those years I was using the people around me to influence who I was, only to be even more lost once those people were no longer in my life as frequently.

I think all of us can say that at one point in time we were doing something because everyone else was doing it thinking it's what we wanted ourselves.

Did I really care about Tory Burch that much, or was I trying to keep up with everyone else?

Was that fraternity house really where I wanted to hang out, or was that where everyone said I should hang out?

Did I really want to spend every Friday night watching my ex-boyfriend referee high school basketball, or did I think that was what I was supposed to do?

I'm not mad at myself for doing these things, it's not like I was miserable, but I do wish I hadn't wasted so much time trying to figure out who I was based on who I thought I wanted to be.

I lost myself for a longtime, and there is no one to blame but myself.

A few years ago I put a lot of work into getting me, and after lots of soul searching, I think I've got it. I will change and grow as time goes on, but that's one thing I get about myself, I'm all about that self-development.

I love to read and grow, and the self-development books in the photo above were just few that helped me sift through the fluff, and find the real me. Not everything from every book gets put to use, but seeing how others have overcome and become successful, and ways that they enhance their lives is just a way I get ideas on how to improve what I've already got.

Some might think these books are cheesy, and maybe to some they are, but to me they are another way to grow, learn, and evolve.

If you're working on trying to get yourself, good luck, but remember it doesn't happen overnight.

Love,

Lilly

PS: The books in the photo are just a few that I’ve read on my journey to figure it out. Every single one of them is amazing.